06/13/2026
Good morning everyone!
Should we have coffee?
Is it coffee day? Maybe.
I know itās been a bit since anyone has heard from me.
Writing has to come to me. I have to be in the mode.
These days Iāve been on a very personal journey so I have had focus on that. My writing is in the back, patiently waiting its turn.
Sometime ago, I announced to everyone that I was going to trauma therapy. I also promised that I would share in my journey. It hasnāt felt right. It still might not feel right, but I think itās time to share at least a little bit. I have always said if my message reaches one person and makes a difference in their life. Itās worth bearing my soul.
I have never been shy about my childhood trauma. It is real, it has molded who I am as a person. I just never realized how much.
I would honestly say that through the years I have probably met with 25 therapists. And, I can honestly say that not one has been a help. I always thought they were dumb. Maybe they were. Or that they focused way too much on what the ābooksā say. Or, maybe, Iām just so fu***ng broken that nobody knows what to do with me. ļæ¼
Someone that I trust very much in the controlling of my mental health, had suggested to me to meet with a particular therapist. With my views on them, you could call it gun shy, I said I would think about it, knowing full well, I wouldnāt.
As I am getting older, I can feel the survival mode really messing up my life but I didnāt know why or how to handle it. I have felt like itās getting to me more now than ever. ļæ¼
As children in traumatic environments, we are in survival mode.
ļæ¼The way children survive is so much different than how an adult can survive in the adult world. But often times when you are in such a hard-core, survival mode as a child, when you cross over into adulthood, you donāt know how to handle that.
Or like me, it is so ingrained that it follows you through life and becomes a big part of who you are. ļæ¼
The harder it was getting, flashbacks, PTSD episodes, general, anxiety, and depression, I decided to consider the trauma therapist that had been suggested to me MANY times throughout the course of a year. ļæ¼
On a particularly difficult day I sporadically emailed her, the trauma therapist.
I said that Victoria had referred me and that I was going to hit send before I changed my mind.
I think it was a weekend so it did take about a day for her to respond. By then I had decided that I was better now and rethinking meeting with her. I did not reply.
She told me that her first session she likes to do a 15 minute introduction just to get the feel for each other to see if we feel like we are going to be compatible. But whatever, I didnāt need her because I felt better.
Until I didnāt.
I played this game with her a couple of times until I finally decided to push myself and go.
Our 15 minute session went well. I really did like her and I made an appointment for an actual session.
Keep in mind at this point, I still donāt trust anyone.
Let me go back a couple of years.
I was told about a psychiatrist that does really good trauma therapy. I had never seen a psychiatrist in my life so I was skeptical but yet I thought, well this is the top of the top in this field. He probably has the answers.
He crushed me just as hard as the trauma did. I would leave sessions with him, throwing up in the parking lot, going home in tears and feeling physically sick.
He told me that was normal. I spiraled into one of the worst black holes of my life while I was seeing him. He made me feel like a horrible person for not being able to conquer my trauma.
At some point, I just stopped going. I am not a professional by any means but I thought if this is what trauma therapy is Iām not fu***ng doing it. ļæ¼
A lot of ānewā treatments in life is what I call voodoo. Itās probably not even associated with the actual definition of voodoo, but thatās what I have called it.
Rewiring our brain.
Are you serious? Is this like a lobotomy? Because those were stopped in the 50s or 60s when antipsychotic medications came out.
How would you rewire your brain? Iām calling bulls**t.
Well, Iām finding itās not bulls**t. It is very real. ļæ¼
It is crazy what disruptions in your mental health will do to your body.
Anxiety can give you gut problemsā¦ I think that is so weird.
Why would anxiety affect your pooping? Well, it does. The body is amazing and very complex.
I am learning so much about myself.
Why I do the things I do. Why I think the things I think. Why I react the way I do. The incredible part, is that I really can change it. I guess I can see why they call it rewiring your brain now.
I have learned that I am anxious 24/7, if my mind doesnāt recognize it, my body does.
My shoulders are in a permanent position, upright and tight. I clench my jaw and grind my teeth, continuously. In learning what I have learned, I donāt think there is enough anxiety medication on earth to get me to stop this.
Why?
Because my body is always on guard. My body does not trust my environment. My body is always in survival mode, making sure that it is aware of danger at all times. My body is trying to keep me safe. ļæ¼ļæ¼My body has done this for 50 years.
Crazy huh?
Makes sense though.
I am also very paranoid and suspicious.
I donāt even trust my own children.
Let me rephrase that.
I didnāt, trust my own children, but I do now. Iām learning.
Not lack of trust in like, stealing my car, or something physical like that.
I did not trust their love for me. I did not trust their reasons behind what they did or said. I always felt like they were doing things on purpose to hurt me because my mind and body was still stuck in the modeļæ¼ that I was not enough, I was not safe.
This was not only limited to my children, this has followed me through adult friendships and relationships as well. ļæ¼
It really has done damage to my relationship with my children and that hurts so bad. ļæ¼
If they did not return a text right away, they were ignoring me because they did not value me. If they did not involve me in something big in their life, it was because they didnāt love me. They were punishing me for something that I had done in the past, I wasnāt good enough. I just simply was not enough in their eyes so I had to fight them for their love. I had to convince them that I was enough and that they were wrong for not allowing me to be important in their life.
Now THAT, is the bulls**t.
My main focus right now is on my family.
Sexy Man, he sees through it all. He gets me. He is so patient with me. And yes, no matter how good to me he is in every way, I have always been suspicious of him too and it does interfere with our relationship.
If one of my kids donāt text me back right away, maybe not until the next day, instead of feeling like Iām being slighted, or punished, I understand that as a new mother, Alysha is tending to her baby.
Babies have weird sleep schedules, they can have really tough days, maybe sheās exhausted. Maybe she is living her own life and busy right now. But she will text or call me back when the time is right. She is not withholding her love. ļæ¼
ļæ¼
Erin works two jobs. If she doesnāt have time to have lunch with me for two weeks, it is not because she doesnāt love me, itās because sheās fricking busy trying to survive like the rest of us.
Sheās putting a roof over her head. She also needs her personal/alone time and itās OK that I am not in that personal time. I am still loved and valued, and we will get that lunch when we can both fit it into our lives. ļæ¼
This might sound abnormal to you.
But never being enough is ingrained in my head. There is no medication that could change this either.
However, I can. With help. With tools.
I am working very hard to ārewireā my brain.
Itās working and I love it. I feel like I am breaking out of chains. Itās exhilarating and empowering.
You may be asking yourself what is so different about this trauma therapist, why, after all of these years is this one making a difference in my life?
When I told her that reliving the past debilitates me, she said to me, and I quote, āRhonda, you have already lived it. You have already been there. We cannot change the past, we can only change how we live with it.ā
Wowā¦ powerful words. She doesnāt make me āreliveā anything. I donāt leave there throwing up, bawling, and feeling sick for two days. ļæ¼Apparently that is not what trauma therapy is all about.
Another powerful thing that she said to me was āyour trauma is not a burden for your children to carry.ā
That one hit me hard. That one hit me so hard. Because that is exactly what I have done to my children and everybody else in my life.
I have allowed my trauma to be a burden on every single person that Iāve had a relationship with, in someway or another.
What a fu***ng s**t show. God that one hit me hard.
I will end here.
Although this post has gotten very long, this is just a small part of what I am learning to change in my world. The world I am truly safe in.
That one, the being safe, thatās a whole nother subject and work in progress. ļæ¼I am confident I will get there too.
Knowing that we are enough is really hard. Iām still going to say it anyway. And yes, I know. I need to listen to my own words.
Itās different with you though because I know youāre enough, Iāve never known that I am.
Working on it.
You, are enough. I see you. You are enough, you are beautiful inside and out, you are capable, worthy, important, and so very loved. š„° ļ漚„°š„°
You make the world go round!
