08/26/2021
by : YAEL R. ROSENSTOCK GONZALEZ LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS AUGUST 20, 2021SHARE
I wish I was one of those people who could or**sm in five minutes and every five minutes. But that’s just not me (it might not be you either) and that’s OK.
It’s not uncommon for people with p***ses to feel (or have their partners feel) they or**sm too quickly and for people with vulvas to feel they are taking too long. The opposite can also be true – people with p***ses can have partners who feel raw (or whose partners get lockjaw) because of how long their partners last and people with vulvas can feel embarrassed by their body’s quick ecstasy. Whatever your or**sm speed, there are multiple ways to have a satisfying s*x life.
Your Or**sm Is Worth It (If You Want It)
If you’re someone who takes time, it can be frustrating. You’ve got a lot to do and you’re just trying to knock your socks off (or get them knocked off). I used to be a 3–8-minute ma********on “or**smer,” but it feels like as I get older, my or**sms have become more of a journey.
As my partnered or**sms took longer, I became anxious about my partners’ well-being and the effort they were putting in. This would distract me and create undue pressure. Here are tips that help me tune back in and relax.
Ask for What You Want to Hear
When my or**sms started taking longer, my partner realized it made me feel self-conscious. In response, whenever it seemed that I was in my head, they would tell me something like, “I love how you taste,” or “I could do this all day.” This let me know they weren’t feeling tired and they were happy pleasuring me. This simple reassurance would help me live in the moment again.
Reduce (or Eliminate) Guilt
If you are worried about your partner’s wrist, tongue, neck, va**na, etc., that’s reasonable. In a recent study on pain during penetrative s*x, 5% of men and 30% of women said they experienced pain during their last s*xual event (Herbenick, Schick, Sanders, Reece, & Fortenberry, 2020). Unless it’s part of our kinks, pain should not be a normalized part of s*x. The solution: set up honest and open communication. Make sure you and your partner feel comfortable saying when something hurts, or you need to rest. This can mean taking a break. You could also mix it up with the assistance of different body parts and/or s*x toys. If you know your partner will ask for what they need, you’ll feel more comfortable sitting back and enjoying the sensations.
Chase Sensations, Not End Goals
Changing the goal of s*x from reaching or**sm might actually help bring one on. You can get so caught up in one aspect of s*xual play, you lose sight of other pleasures. Rather than concentrating on trying to make something happen, return to the basics. Ground yourself in your sensations. For example, in your head identify erotic sounds, views, smells, tastes, and feelings to bring you into the moment.
Techniques for Pen*ses
Besides learning to or**sm without ej*******ng, there are a few things you can try to slow down an or**sm.
As the testicles rise towards the body, give a quick and firm tug downwards. This may take a few tries to learn, so remember patience is a virtue. You don’t want to tug to hard and hurt them/yourself. Additionally, you want to avoid increasing arousal that might push them/you over the edge.
If you’re used to s*xing ba****ck, try using a condom to reduce sensation.
Creating some restriction at the base of the p***s can help maintain a strong er****on. However, make sure there isn’t too much restriction. Double Feature offers two different sized rings so you can avoid having a too tight or too loose fiasco.
Ask for What You Enjoy
For people who menstruate, sensations, erogenous zones, preferred touch styles, etc., can vary throughout the month. So, the thing you loved three days ago that easily got you off explosively, may not feel so hot today. This can be frustrating, especially if your partner is trying to replicate what happened. Instead of staying silent, or pretending that it’s working (to see why, check out The End of Faking It), suggest a switch or change. I have lots of things that I LOVE. If they aren’t doing it for me on a particular day, I’ll suggest positions shifts, changes in pressures, angles, level of lubrication, etc., until I can find a more satisfying option. There’s no reason to waste time if something isn’t working well – instead figure out what will!
Your Mind Is Your Most Powerful S*x Organ
Sometimes we can jump into s*xy time too quickly and our bodies respond with delayed, slow, or sub-satisfying arousal. Start your mental arousal way before the ge***al touching so you can prepare your body for pleasure. This can include s*xy texts, scandalous notes, non-s*xual nudity and touch, as well as teasing touches. If your body is begging for release before ge***al touching begins, you are in a better position to or**sm.
Another way to incorporate your mind is to fantasize. In both solo and partnered s*x, fantasy can be the difference between fun sensations and being pushed over the edge into climaxing. You may choose to start fantasizing anytime, from before you start to just before you want to or**sm – whatever works best for you!
Tell me some of your favorite methods for relaxing, speeding up, or slowing down the big O at yaelthes*[email protected].
