04/26/2024
Hey it’s me Jen, checking in one month after closing our doors. A lot of people have asked how I’m doing and if I’m relaxing. Um, no. I have worked since I was 15 years old and now I just wander around my house wondering what to do but unable to really do anything. I used to talk to people every day - either in person or by text (or through memes if you’re Ellery) and now I just talk to my dogs and that’s a fairly one sided convo. It went from 100 to 0 real quick and it’s pretty f #%cking abrupt if you ask me. I have cried every day for 2 1/2 months.
For seven years I was working on something with everything that I had. I was building relationships and connections. I was brain storming and having meetings and sampling chocolates and gushing over art. I was laying on the floor with Ellery, having a beer at the end of a long day. More recently, I was laying on my closet floor in the fetal position, wiping snot on my shirt sleeve while I sob apologized to Zack for the millionth time for being a lifeless pile of misery and then asked for boxed Mac and Cheese to ease my ongoing broken heart.
There’s a radio silence that I wasn’t anticipating. The lack of talking. The end of the text messages. The emptiness of the inbox. You feel everything you know grinding to a halt in real time and yet it also feels like you’re dreaming. Somewhere between there and here you’re watching everything change and you’re aware that it’s you and your world that’s changing but you’re also weirdly removed from it. Is this what an out of body experience feels like? If you’ve had one, weigh in. All I know is my brain kicks my ass every day and it’s brutal.
But two days ago, Zack said “Hey! You didn’t cry today.” I had made it a whole day without having some sort of breakdown. Not a whole day without being sad or lost or bitter (c’mon now, baby steps) but a whole day without crying. Letting go is excruciating and this is way harder than I ever imagined it could be. I guess I’m climbing off of the closet floor and wiping my face with a proper tissue. Maybe I can eat my Goodles without using tears for salt.
And maybe that grip that I had held on with so tightly is slowly…relaxing.