11/04/2026
VAL HERE~!
I'd like to report a missing person.
Actually, an entire political party.
Last seen screaming about a RED WAVE, threatening everyone with communism, and assuring America that everything was going beautifully.
MISSING PERSONS REPORT: THE REPUBLICAN PARTY
Last known whereabouts: Somewhere between the election-night victory party and the emergency meeting with their attorneys.
Description: Predominantly red. Frequently spotted wearing matching hats, waving enormous flags, and shouting about personal responsibility. Known to become extremely agitated when confronted with arithmetic.
Distinguishing characteristics: Claims to support law and order but has a complicated relationship with the word "accountability." Insists facts don't care about your feelings, unless the facts are election results, in which case feelings become a national emergency.
Last known activity: Ordering ch*****ne, preparing victory speeches, and accusing anyone who disagreed with them of being a communist.
Items recovered at the scene: Seventeen unused victory banners, a suspiciously large collection of red hats, several shredded polling forecasts, and a copy of the Constitution with certain sections apparently never opened.
Possible explanations for disappearance: Voter dissatisfaction, an unexpected encounter with reality, or spontaneous combustion caused by excessive exposure to the color blue.
Warning to the public: Do not approach with electoral maps, certified vote totals, or questions about campaign promises. Subject may become defensive, demand a recount, or accuse your calculator of being funded by George Soros.
If located: Please return to the nearest polling station for identification. Do not offer thoughts and prayers. They have already received an unlimited supply.
Authorities remind the public that losing an election is not a crime, although judging by the reaction, some people appear to believe it should be.
The investigation remains ongoing.
Fox News has reportedly classified the disappearance as a temporary scheduling conflict.
VAL
