12/01/2024
‘Legionnaire’ is a 1998 action drama starring Jean-Claude “I’m pretty sure he had his taint surgically altered so he could do those crazy splits” Van Damme, Adewale “lost on a time traveling island” Akinnuoye-Agbaje, and Steven “killed Axel Foley’s best friend” Berkoff! JCVD plays this French boxer in 1925 Marseille, France whose dipsh*t brother gets mixed up with a local mobster. The mobster orders JCVD to take a dive in an upcoming bout but you know damn well JCVD ain’t throwing no muthatruckin fights! Of course mobster dude is none too happy with JCVD so he sends his brother and his goons to f**k him up good. Except mobster’s brother is the one that got f**ked…right into a grave! Only problem is the mobster’s goons end up killing JCVD’s brother and kidnapping his fiancée so now it’s time to hightail it outta there. So what better place than the French Foreign Legion that’s about to take off for North Africa! I suppose he could’ve found a place to chill for a while until he could rescue his lady and flee the country…but joining the army and going to war works too I guess. Either way, JCVD gets to North Africa where he befriends AAA and they bond over getting their asses kicked by the merciless drill sergeant Berkoff. But JCVD has more to worry about than his bu****le of a commanding officer…the mobster from back home sent his goons to join the Foreign Legion in order to take out JCVD. And I don’t mean take out on a date to a fancy restaurant…I mean take out as in murder, kill, execute, and eliminate! Just in case you were confused by my wording. But right about then the Legion is sent to the front and JCVD starts blasting fools and roundhouse kicking dudes’ heads off and straight up being a badass killing machine AKA the best damn soldier on the battlefield! Will JCVD survive both the war and the mobster’s hitmen and make it out alive? Will JCVD be reunited with his fiancée and live happily ever after? Or will he stay in the army after falling in love with the feel of plunging a bayonet into his enemy’s guts and watching them bleed to death while screaming like a stuck pig? Answer these questions and more by ordering this VHS tape from our eBay store!