12/13/2022
I love this sequence!!!
Just a simple vent:
Sometimes, well a lot of the time, I get sent back to day one. I look at it and realize how far I’ve come on this journey of grieving and yet, not wanting to face it cause it’s another day away from Elora. I Don’t like feeling as if I’m stronger without her. It’s weird. But in the totality of it all, she’s active in my becoming a new man daily. I look back at the first few weeks to month and realize how much Elora put a community of love around us and that’s been something I never imagined obviously. The perspective changes and at this level of relationship with Elora, I keep pushing myself to lean in although it comes with unimaginable pain. But it’s a reality.
I never thought that a relationship like this with God is possible but she’s taken it to another level and I’m thankful. I understand it’s not for everyone. I once had someone say to me that this perspective of Jesus and Elora is “just because I miss her.” The words felt like shots at me but then again, how are they suppose to know? It also made God feel small like hey let’s kinda be spiritual at this moment. But he’s the same when we read about what Jesus did here, what He’s doing today, and the path He has set for me and my family for the future. He’s not a story. Ultimately what I feel like is - “Hey Appa, put your money where your mouth is regarding God cause that’s where I am!” He’s not just the wishing well for our needs.
Which brings me to this. I realize how amazing it is to have Ellis and Eleah snap their fingers at me for diapers, food, dessert, and attention! Also love knowing that im with someone who got my back and is there for our family through our definition of for better or worse! ❤️ So I wanted to recalibrate and be thankful entering into a hard but beautiful season with our family.
Joy in the Mourning. All 3 add up to still feeling so loved and blessed.
🙏🏽
