02/13/2021
We have had some drastic highs and lows at the farm the last month. Farm life is a series of constant rebirth and death both seasonally and in our animal kingdom. In normal American life we hide the death and aging process. We spend millions on products and procedures that make us appear to be young again. Most cultures hold their elders as symbols of wisdom and ancient lineages that needs a voice. In modern America we gather and hideout our elders in groups called “rest homes” “care homes” “old folks home" … That is an odd finality for a life well lived.
This topic is very relevant for my world these days as an outside agency is selling my fathers home and putting him in a care facility and I have no control over their decision making process. I have been asked to get personal pictures our of his home by Friday. I am not allowed to take anything else but I can purchase things from the estate sale auctioneer. My father has suffered from dementia for years and in his disoriented state has disowned me, shot a gun 5 times and threaten to kill me. His Will has been change five times buy many people that wanted to take advantage of a confused man. During this period he gave away his power of attorney and estate that was destined for my children and now will go to Saint Jude. A fiduciary is now in control and I am powerless to help an old confused and angry man that was once housed my dear father.
As some of you know our beautiful farm dog and my amazing companion Brownie, that has probably made over 300 trips to Berkeley in the last 7 years or so, died in my arms of kidney failure last Thursday evening. She went down hill fast as we tried many procedures to stabilize her condition. In her last week on earth she was blind, not eating and I was administering fluids. I was faced with the difficult decision as when to have her put down. She was truly staying alive to comfort me. I kept waiting for the perfect moment as I pushed back on my appointed with Dr. Death. There never is a perfect moment…… but we found a great moment that was so close to perfection that only a higher vibration could have orchestrated her last day on earth. The weather cleared as we spent the the day in the tall grass of the farm. Later that night she wandered into the dark of night hoping to spare us of our deep sorrow. We couldn’t find after we let her out to relive herself. I found her hiding under our stock trailer as my flashlight beamed the darkened recesses of our farm. I carried her home for the last time in my arms like a baby…. An hour later with quick convulsions she lost her tender grip with her short life on this earth. I still struggle with flow vs. inaction but this time life and death shook out in a near perfect way. I have never done well with goodbyes…..But I experienced pure unconditional love those short nine years or so……..Special thanks to Muffi Bailey, Jill Williams, Cruz and Whiley Leras for being there as we placed dear Brownie at her final resting place on the farm.
A few weeks ago we had to put down our amazing guernsey cow, Yuri, due to her age and her inability to stand. For weeks we had to physically push her up off the ground and get her legs under her to stand every morning. The silver lining is that she has two daughters she has shared with our farm that we should be milking later this Spring. Yuri was a cow we purchased about four years from a 100 year old dairy that was going out of business. At that time she was destined to be slaughtered because she had issues with her legs and her inability to be on the concrete floors at the dairy. She was the sweetest creature that has ever entered our barn. Always tender, social and giving. Many of you have been blessed with her golden elixir.
Last Thursday our cow Rosie gave birth to a bull calf. It really feels like my life is in a major transition as everything that was has changed. We are all faced with living a life so different from what we have know our entire lives. Many of us long for things to just go back to the way it was. Sorry dinosaurs….. Adaptation…… As a farmer and someone that has honed his intuition in the natural world I now have an innate ability to morph to any given situation.
Love is all that truly matters.
Peace and Love to everyone…..
Thank you for letting me share a deep part of myself and my farm,
Farmer Michael
