08/22/2022
Wow, this morning has been a doozy. But really, every morning is kind of a doozy and if it’s not, there is at least once during the day where I feel like it’s just utter chaos in our house. Pretty sure that’s normal for a house with 2 large breed dogs, 2 toddlers, and a husband who works crazy hours for the Army. I am barely sleeping since Brynlee is cutting all 4 front teeth at once, the dogs like to wake up in the middle of the night to go potty and check for any squirrel intruders, and my husband always needs a midnight spoonful of peanut butter and a glass of milk. It honestly makes me bitter. For the hours of sleep I’ve lost, for the days I could have been relaxing having fun with the kids that turned to hours filled with tantrums instead. The things I miss out on because I don’t want to battle my 3 year old to get there or to get stuff done before it piles up. But that’s not of God. I think those feelings of bitterness come directly from my selfish desires for myself, even if they seem justified some days. Yesterday I heard a friend say something that really sunk deep. She was commenting on the difficulty of getting volunteers for things all over the church and she said that we live in a community where most of these women are coming from a place of burnout already because they’re so often alone managing the home and multiple kids while their husbands are away and it just seems like too much to serve in any capacity in the season of life that we are in. In my brain I was like, “uh, yep, hi it’s me!” But then she said we have the mindset that we can’t pour from an empty cup, BUT that’s not how we are supposed to live. WOW. It’s so true! We are always going to have something going on in our lives where it seems hard or feels like too much to serve, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t. That’s where God is glorified. That’s where His power is revealed the most. When there is absolutely no doubt that you are at the end of yourself, that’s where God’s power, peace, and glory is sure to be seen by those around you. This was so encouraging and convicting at the same time! How sweet a gift motherhood is and my absolutely amazing and beautiful children are to me, my stress and exhaustion and bitterness aren’t negating that. But maybe those feelings are overshadowing the power that God can show through me. To my kids, to my neighbors, to my husband, to my family and friends. It’s so easy to complain and get caught up in the worlds version of what this motherhood journey should look like and the message that its okay to feel this way and to even harbor those feelings for a while because it’s hard. It is HARD, but what an I missing while wallowing instead of praising? I adore my kids, I spent most of my life praying and dreaming of being a wife and a mother and it’s everything and nothing like I had dreamed it up to be- in the best way. Thank goodness I don’t have it all together, thank goodness the Lord shows up for me every single second of the day because I’m such a mess. Praising God for my beautiful kids today and the opportunity to deal with the chaos and that He’s right there in it with me.