05/29/2026
*Trigger Warning for this post- Potential Postpartum Depression and Su*cidal Ideations*** please take care
I have to apologize for not being fully present and transparent. Incredibly long story short, on 12/23/25, four months into my pregnancy (technically they had both passed away a couple days before then but you get the idea) with twin boys they both passed away. Three weeks after delivering them I went back to work and back to fully operating T&T while alternating between couch surfing and sleeping in my car. I did a full month in a shelter prior to doing that. While also attempting to support my daughter that has multiple chronic illnesses and is an adolescent with her own struggles.
This month I finally received their autopsy report. I had to google multiple terms but from my assessment, it looked to me like my body destroyed my boys. It made me blame myself even more. I feel like I’m constantly failing. Their due date was 5/19. I was not supposed to be doing any of this. I wasn’t supposed to be planning events, I wasn’t supposed to be thinking of little catchy posts, I was supposed to be mothering.
It’s hard because with everything in me, I want to do what I’m doing. My work in this space is truly my passion. It’s my dream. I just don’t feel fully present and I think I’m starting to understand why.
There have been days when I physically couldn’t move. It’s frustrating. I’m no stranger to grief. This year marks year 30 that my older brother was m*rdered. My body won’t allow me to heal naturally, and no amount of journaling or writing poetry is helping. That’s why I think I may have something else going on affecting my brain chemistry.
This is a very long post to say I am very sorry if I haven’t gotten back to you or if I haven’t posted the things I need to post. I am hanging on. My significant other has been holding me up and I am in awe of how someone can love so completely a human ball of string.
I have a lot of things on the horizon that I genuinely am excited about. I just don’t have the bandwidth just yet to post everything right now. But I will!