28/02/2020
*Sorry if you’ve already seen this post on my personal account but I feel like it’s important to speak openly about these things - to normalise not feeling 100% all of the time*
They say grief comes and goes in waves.
My dad had been ill for three years before passing away, so everyone knew the time would come (sooner rather than later unfortunately).
I remember thinking my mum was like superwoman. She handled everything like a boss. The ambulances, the hospitals, the operations. As a naive child, I thought “adults can deal with stuff like this. They’re older”... as though adults were programmed to handle grief and loss.
It’s only over the past couple of years that I’ve learned that I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’ve realised that (in my case anyway) as an adult, I hurt a lot more. My mum was being strong for me and my sister.
After losing my nanna almost 2 years ago, everything has changed. Everything is just a little bit greyer.
Losing her has made me painfully aware of the dad shaped hole in my life. Grieving the loss of her also allowed a lot of repressed feelings to resurface and opened me up to grieve for my dad all over again, but a lot more painfully this time around. As a 10 year old child, I was extremely resilient... now? Not so much.
When they say “time’s a healer”, I don’t think I agree. Time doesn’t heal you, it just helps you get used to your new version “normal”. The version which doesn’t include your dad, bampa, nanna etc.
19 years ago today we said goodbye and it still hurts like hell 💔