07/08/2026
Dear Members of the Society for the Protection of Bound Literary Works,
It has come to our attention that there is an egregious crime against literacy being committed in the small village of Markdale, Ontario. In it, there is a business which calls itself a bookstore (as if a community that size even needs a bookstore! Isn't Amazon enough?) and in it can be found what all of our members would most certainly deem an atrocity.
It is referred to as a "50% Off Book Room" but, truth be told, it is nothing more than a closet, and the conditions inside that closet are deplorable. While the shelves of the store are certainly overcrowded, the contents of that room form a literal skid row. Its residents are crammed in w***y nilly without regard for background or predisposition. Here one might find the "Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglas" resting comfortably above a biography of George Wallace, "Fifty Shades of Gray" atop a tome by Rev. Billy Graham, and Dr. Seuss commingled with Dr. Phil.
We know from history that these kinds of conditions can only lead to book banning or, what's worse, book burning. And so, we implore our members to help alleviate, in whatever way they can, the suffering of these poor creatures. They already labour under the insult of being labelled "used", "superfluous", "written in", "slow-moving" or even God forbid, "previously enjoyed". It is one of our basic tenets that every book has a reader, and there is no reason for any of these books to remain homeless.
It is time to liberate these creatures from their life of misery. We have learned from our inquiries that, in addition to the 50% offering on the books in this room, one will be given at no cost with every book purchased in the remainder of the store until the end of the month.
How can I help, you ask? What can I do against a situation that threatens to become an uncontrolled and irreversible state of emergency? Think of the oft-told story of the boy on the beach crowded with starfish, throwing them back into the ocean one at a time, knowing that at least he is making a difference to the one in his hand.
We thank you for your attention in this matter.
And so do the starfish.