11/12/2020
After saying ‘no’ to buying his daughter a new dress, a father told me that his daughter screamed “I hate you” at the top of her lungs. He was stunned. Angry. He admitted to wanting to scream back, “I hate you too.” I had to laugh at his honesty. Thankfully he had the presence of mind to override his emotion and opt for, “Gosh kid! You are annoying me no end right now!"
The best advice I can give parents of teens is this: your son or daughter may look like a mini adult, but they are not. There is a big difference between the two. During the teen years, they need us (as the big people in their lives) to support their executive thinking, help them access risks, think ahead, balance emotion with logic and be their steady rock. They need you now just as much (if not more) than they did when they were young.
I have found that parents often expect to see a progression in behavior, when the teenage years can often bring a regression. This regression can be incredibly frustrating but is developmentally very normal. The good news is that they will mature, and they are very unlikely to be giving you the finger at 30! In the meantime, I want to champion you as you steady the ship, be the bigger, safer person and continue to build a connection with your child which will last a lifetime.
These three practical tips might act as a circuit breaker in your home and be useful to navigate normal moods that can come with the teenage years. Yes, we have to address poor behaviour, and set boundaries to help them grow strong, but breaking the circuit of escalating emotion can help you do that.
TIP NO 1: I NEED A HUG
When things are getting tense between my own children and myself, I usually stop and say, “I need a hug.” It might sound weird, but it is my way of expressing what I need in that moment – for us to remain connected. Even if they respond with an eye-roll, that small statement diffuses unnecessary tension and helps focus us on what matters. Surprisingly, I often DO get a hug… maybe because they unknowingly want to connect too! When words aren’t working, actions are more likely to.
TIP NO 2: TEXT INSTEAD OF TALK
Maybe it’s time we used technology to our advantage. When you have a grumpy teenager on your hands, you may be able to get a better conversation out of them over text. I know one mum who deliberately says goodnight to her son over text. She tells me that conversations are more likely to emerge when he is behind a screen. And if an argument is getting out of hand, ask your teenagers to write down their point of view in a letter to you. The simple act of journaling, and slowing their thoughts down, can help they access more rational thinking. Say, "Can you write this in a letter to me, so I really can really understand how you feel.... Then we can come back and talk about it again."
TIP NO 3: TRY THE UNPREDICTABLE
Adult-size problems take up more of our time and attention than we may realise. Between work pressures, mortgages, and running a household it is easy to lose our happy parent vibe. If you can feel yourself becoming overly predictable, try a little random magic. You might want to pop a little creativity into the schedule, because teenage brains love creativity, adventure and novelty. Try things like “breakfast night” or “no-bed-making-Monday.” Why not put a note in their room that says: “I hid $100 in your room. Clean it and you will find it.”
