02/05/2021
What do you see in this photo? Someone who is relaxed, content & connected? The answer to that would be yes...in this moment that’s how I felt...but let me share with you that this was a fleeting moment.
We’ve been in the midst of construction next door to us for 6 months...the sounds of banging, chopping, concrete drilling...you name it. I was feeling so activated by the noise, chaos and invasion of our sacred & safe space that we decided to take a few days to restore in nature & so I could write in peace. Nature is a major resource for me.
On the drive we stopped quickly to snap a few portrait shots to use for business/marketing,etc.
This is my comfort zone...in nature, bare feet in the grass...sun on my face. In this moment all was well in my world...I felt an immediate settling from the activation I had just been feeling only an hour before.
We got to our sweet cabin in the woods and I just felt complete calm & gratitude for the space to breathe.
Then...I noticed something black sticking out of my skin...I thought it was a skin tag or mole and showed it to my husband...surprisingly it turned out to be a tick...head burrowed in my skin. I responded quickly by pulling it out...and when I did it was still alive.
This may not seem like a big deal...but let me tell you that one of my TOP fears is tick bites & contracting Lyme disease. Yes...I teach yoga, I teach strategies to manage fear and yes, I also experience this very real emotion.
This is how trauma works...it’s not rational...
I became panicky, my mind went to the worst scenario, becoming ill from this tick bite, getting Lyme disease, my health is everything to me. I started to cry and just felt overwhelmed. Memories began to flood my mind of being really sick and in pain at age 10 with shingles, being unexplainably sick for years in my mid 20’s until I was diagnosed with hashimotis, experiencing unexplained nerve pain and brain fog in my late 30’s until I realized I was gluten intolerant...and then my aunts unexpected diagnosis & death from cancer, my moms cancer diagnosis and reoccurrence (both recent anniversaries), my uncles recent tragic death that I witnessed, it all just came flooding in like a tsunami...it all gets over coupled together, the grief, the fear, the pain, the loss, the fear of experiencing it all again. It’s that trauma loop...
Yes...it’s very real and still very raw for me...and...I feel so grateful to understand what I’m experiencing from a trauma lens. It’s a process, it takes time...like watching paint dry.
You can’t “talk” yourself out of it so you just “resource” your way through it.
So what did I do?
I reached out for support
I asked my husband to just hold me
I cried....A LOT
I put piles of blankets on myself for deep pressure
I drank some hot tea
I wrote a poem
I watched a movie to distract my mind
I reminded myself that “I’m ok in this moment.”
This morning I woke up still feeling anxious and really really tired...so I...
Ate some delicious mango
Did some Voo breaths
Went for a drive with my husband to look at the scenery
Walked barefoot in the snow
Took the dogs for a walk
Gave myself permission to put my “work” aside & allow for rest
My heart still feels tender...but it also feels acknowledged & cared for
This is the work...to just keep coming back to resourcing, allowing the uncomfortable sensations to be felt but allowing for pendulation between the trauma vortex and counter vortex.
THIS is resilience...the ability to pendulate between these nervous system states.
We are all A WORK IN PROGRESS...don’t believe anyone who tells you they’re not...we all have work to do and just when we think the work is “done” life happens and knocks us off our feet again. Then we might have to crawl before we walk again...you will
walk again...run, skip, dance even.
Trauma healing is an intense, messy, complex and often scary process but it’s doable...it’s possible...with self compassion, patience, resources & tools. The tools are EVERYTHING..🙏🏻💕
