06/03/2020
Growing up in a middle class suburb, I’d never witnessed excessive force by police. For the most part, I was allowed to be as rowdy and loud as i wanted to be. When I was 23 years old, my outlook changed. I was arguing with a security guard at a club when two police officers approached. They told me to walk away while they sorted out the problem. I turned to walk away with one of the officers, trying to explain through gasping tears what my problem had been. The next thing I remember is being on the ground fighting the officer off of me while he screamed things about me to his partner that I am unable to repeat. The lights were spinning around me. His knee was in my chest. Cell phones were out and my friend was calling out to me from the distance. Eventually I just stopped moving. I was scared. I was angry. I wanted to riot but there was no one there to support me. While I was being booked, the other officer apologized. He looked sad. He said the other officer was his superior and he had no choice. It was clear I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. I had no one. Not the younger officer. Not the young lady that accompanied me that evening. Not my boyfriend. Not my mom. Not my uncle, who bailed me out. My life changed. I wasn’t as outgoing or confident. I felt powerless. Years later, while hanging with an old friend, she asked me why I wasn’t the person she remembered. I tried to tell her where her loud, fun loving, brassy friend disappeared to and she accused me of exaggerating. I’m not okay. I haven’t forgiven any one though I move about this world like I have. I know I’m not the only person of color with a different kind of conservative background that has been silenced. The kind that doesn’t discuss racism. The kind that blames us for our own disparities & deep rooted trauma. The kind that covers up crimes committed within the community. The kind that says they are liberal but shoves the Bible and prayer down victims’ throats. This video sent me spiraling. I feel helpless all over again.
