17/09/2022
I'm Gabrielle, I live in the United States in Oregon, and I am 20 years old.
My Revert story:
I grew up with a very Christian/Catholic extended family and Atheist parents. I myself was Agnostic, believing that everything created in the world today had to some from something, but who or what that something was, I did not know. As I grew up, I tried to follow the path of Christianity because it was an influential part of my life, but no matter how hard I tried to fit in, I couldn't. I would go to church, sing the songs, read the Bible, but I knew inside that Christianity wasn't for me because it was difficult to understand. I had a Christian boyfriend who tried to help me understand, but the "fire of Christ" he spoke of was not in me. During my senior year I became very depressed; I had done a study abroad the year before and when I came back I felt very isolated. I felt like a ghost amongst my friends, and it got bad enough that I would harm myself to try and ease that emotional pain. This depression followed me into college, and about halfway through my first year I realized how lost I was. I needed an anchor to keep me going in life, and nothing physical was helping so I started looking spiritually for a guide (I have never spoken to a counselor because it was very hard for me to open up to strangers, so I would use my friends as "counselors" and seek their advice).
Around this time, I had met and exchange student from Egypt. She was Muslim, but it was her hijab that had interested me and encouraged me to ask her questions. A couple months later, my cultural anthropology class required me to attend a religious event, and since I knew nothing about Islam at the time, I decided to attend a mosque. I was incredibly nervous, but for the experience I decided to cover my head with a scarf, but it gave me comfort to meet such a welcoming community. One of the sisters at the masjid had given me a simple introduction to Islam, answering questions that I had and giving me informational pamphlets and a translated pocket-sized Quran.
Fast forward three months, I enrolled in a comparative religions class to learn more about Islam and how it compared to and was different than Christianity. That class required visits to a church and a mosque as well, and it was during these visits that I had my first real encounter with Allah (swt). When I had gone to a church (for the class requirement) I had an amazing sense of peace, as if all the weight had been lifted off my chest. It was the best I had felt in years, and part of me wondered if I had been looking at Christianity wrong. Later that day, however, I had a voice in my head, telling me to simply be patient. It was not my own, as I later realized, and I was confused because this church experience had given me so much relief from my daily struggles, but I decided to listen and wait.
When I had gone to my friend's church about a week and a half later, I felt so uplifted that I considered getting baptised. Yet again, the voice in the back of my head told me to be patient and wait. This time, I felt a little upset. If I am feeling this way, then why should I not follow what is making me happy? Despite the temptation to convert, I listened to the thought and waited.
A couple weeks later, I went to the masjid again, and I felt the same sense of community and "wholeness" that I had felt the first time. This time, however, I was encouraged to pray with the other sisters. I could have declined, but I decided to anyways to get the most out of the experience. After the prayer ended and I left, I had that same feeling of inner peace as before, but it was different. It was not as overwhelming and powerful, but it lasted for weeks, much longer than when I had last felt it. It was starting to become clear to me that something was happening, and it made me continue to search spiritually.
Ramadan was coming up, and I wanted to use it to find out what I actually believe, because I felt divided. I have read and listened to parts of the Quran and found that it helped calm my concerns and the depressing thoughts of self-harm, but the feeling of peace and having all of my worries lifted from me coincided the most with my visits to churches. I decided to participate in Ramadan, spending the day fasting and in deep contemplation. I started doing the five daily prayers, using Youtube tutorials as a guide to help me do them correctly, and every time I was in sujood I would ask for guidance to lead me to the answers I sought. For the past month leading up to Ramadan I had been holding back from complete submission, because I did not know who I was submitting myself to, but about two weeks into Ramadan I decided to give myself completely into whoever was listening to my prayers. Once I did, Allah took my problems and concerns and gave me the answers I was seeking. Alhamdulillah, I knew that Islam was my religion.
By the last week of Ramadan I felt ready to take my shahada, but yet again I was told to be patient. I was confused, because I thought that I had found my faith, but I listened because I had started to trust Allah (swt). I kept praying, knowing that Allah would tell me when I was ready to revert, and I discovered later that my mind was ready but my heart was not. The last week of Ramadan was helping me give my heart to Allah, and the Thursday after Eid ul Fitr of 2016 I knew I was ready to revert. It was a wonderful feeling that I cannot fully put into words, but it was like my entire body became filled with light. Immediately I told the sister from the masjid (the one who had given me the translated Quran and helped me through this entire experience) that I was ready to take my shahada that Friday. After that, I went and prayed, and when I went into sujood I started crying and thanking Allah for guiding me and showing me the Straight path. That Friday, I went to the masjid, and after the khutbah and the prayer the sister called the attention of the entire room before guiding me through my shahada. I had never felt so at peace with myself in my life, alhamdulillah.
Now, almost a year later, I still tear up whenever I think back on it, because it was such an amazing experience, and every day I thank Allah for guiding me and making me a Muslim. I feel more confident about myself, and although I still have moments where the depression comes back, I know that I do not have to go through it alone because Allah is with me. I am starting to learn Arabic so I can recite the Quran, and everyday I strive to follow in the footsteps of our Beloved Prophet (saw).
